At Least He Signaled

     The wife and I are driving down a six-lane divided highway when I notice all the cars up in front of me are slowing and moving to the side.  Of course, my first thought is some type of emergency vehicle is about to drive over the top of me, but upon looking in the rearview mirror, no such scenario approaches.  As I get closer, there in the middle lane, on our side of the road, is a minivan, driving AT us.  While those of us who have been forced to share our side of the road sang a chorus of "WTF?" the van slowed, and eventually stopped.  Had he been a salmon, his efforts to swim upstream would've been commendable, and there was no shortage of bears chewing him a new one.  Alas, he was not a salmon.  Then, as if to tell the world he had paid attention during Driver's Ed, he put on his turn signal, and that made it all better.  And yet another reason is added to the list justifying the three-day waiting period to purchase a gun.

Does This Rice Taste Funny to You?

     Last Sunday, the wife and I went out for breakfast to this real popular place.  It was jam-packed as usual, with parking hard to find.  Right in front is this pick-up truck straddling two parking spaces.  No, it wasn't some classic pick-up truck, it was just a pick-up truck.  On the bumper was a sticker that read "PROUD MEMBER OF THE VIETNAM CHOPPER PILOTS ASSOCIATION," or something to that effect.  If he flew the chopper the way he drives his truck, there's probably more than one rice paddy with a rusty Huey helicopter tainting the water.  No wonder we could't win that war.  (I took a picture with my wife's phone, but in my haste to avoid detection by the impending arrival of the chopper pilot, I failed to save it correctly.  It would've been funnier with the picture, but I had to hurry.  For all I knew, the dude might have showered in Agent Orange one too many times, if you get my drift.  I'll try harder next time.)

All Hands on Board, But Watch Your Step

In this week's column, I mention a bout with food poisoning I had as a kid.  In an effort to help those whose imagination may need a kick-start, the image shown here is basically what I looked like for my three days in porcelain purgatory. 

And Now You Know Why He Was a Bottle-Baby



This week's column is about my final days in the counter-intelligence field.  This picture is the visual support file for my field report.  If you didn't read the column, why the hell not?  Go to Naplesnews.com and search "Life is Heald," read the column, come back here and you will get significantly more out of this picture.



Hats Off! No, Seriously, Take Those Hats Off

In my column this week, I review the royal wedding after watching Katie Couric's special on CBS.  After describing Prince Andrew's two daughters' hats as a cat eating grapes on a slide and an award one might give to the company's top toilet seat salesman, I felt obligated to provide visual evidence.  Was I right?

Pretty Sure It Was a One-Shot Deal

     I was sitting in church on Easter Sunday trying to listen to the music when this woman behind me continued to carry on a conversation like she was in a bar trying to talk over the music.  I let it go for a bit and then I turned around and told her, "You know, Jesus came back from the dead.  If you don't shut up, I don't think you'll have that kind of luck."  So, I don't get "Christian of the Month," I still felt better, and honestly, isn't that what's important here?

And You Thought I Was Kidding

    If you didn't read my column from April 6th, 2011, you don't know what this is, but for those that did, here's photographic evidence that the wife and I have seen the inside of Uncle Jed's limo.  I believe the thing sticking up off of the trunk is actually a gun rack of some sort, you just never know when Jethro is bringing rabbit home for dinner.  It had so many running lights that a small Cessna attempted to land on the roof while we sat at a red light.

Yeah, That's the Demographic They're Looking For

     I'm channel surfing on the radio the other day and I stop on a local rock station.  The DJ asks "How many people watched 'American Idol' last night?" before she sarcastically answers "Not me, because I have a life.  I was watching pirated hockey and drinking beer."  This is not a referendum on "American Idol," but, while it's not exactly rock-oriented, it does include all types of music and this year one of the judges is rock icon Stephen Tyler from the group Aerosmith.  Give or take a few million, the audience of "Idol" is around twenty million.  If that many people are watching pirated hockey, somebody better ring up Captain Barbosa.  I'm guessing the advertisers of this radio station, whoever they may be, would rather have the "Idol worshipers" over the pirates.  So, that's why disc jockeys don't make any money.  If some dude is stealing hockey games in south Florida, I'm thinking he's not the demographic everybody is after.  I'm just saying.

Maybe They're Just Too Good

     I read in the paper that a woman was arrested after assaulting her roommate for eating her Girl Scout cookies without permission.  Seems the victim had accessed the treasured "Thin Mints" without written consent and was left running for her life after being confronted during the middle of the night.  All I can say is she should thank God the cookies weren't Tagalongs, or her roomie surely would've popped a cap in her ass.  Maybe those cookies are just too good.

Can You Hear Me Now?

     Blue Tooth is the worst thing that ever happened to crazy people.  It used to be when enough people saw a crazy person walking around talking to themselves, eventually somebody would call the white jacket folks and help was on the way.  Now, everybody just assumes they have Blue Tooth and ignores them.  I ask you, how will the crazy folks get help now?  That's why I have a blog, to get this stuff out there.  I'm just a humanitarian, what can I say?