Maybe They're Just Too Good

     I read in the paper that a woman was arrested after assaulting her roommate for eating her Girl Scout cookies without permission.  Seems the victim had accessed the treasured "Thin Mints" without written consent and was left running for her life after being confronted during the middle of the night.  All I can say is she should thank God the cookies weren't Tagalongs, or her roomie surely would've popped a cap in her ass.  Maybe those cookies are just too good.

Can You Hear Me Now?

     Blue Tooth is the worst thing that ever happened to crazy people.  It used to be when enough people saw a crazy person walking around talking to themselves, eventually somebody would call the white jacket folks and help was on the way.  Now, everybody just assumes they have Blue Tooth and ignores them.  I ask you, how will the crazy folks get help now?  That's why I have a blog, to get this stuff out there.  I'm just a humanitarian, what can I say?

I Still Got It

     My softball team won the lower division Church League Championship last night in thrilling fashion by a score of 10-9.  Attendance figures were not available at press time, but if we count the homeless guy pillaging the dumpsters and the t-ball team practicing on an adjacent field, we're approaching double figures. Clearly, there are not many conquests left for an athlete of my stature.  I've got one spot left in my trophy case, so if anyone knows of a kickball league that gives out hardware, give them my number.  In the meantime, I'll be kicking ass and taking names in the shuffleboard rookie league.

Large Pepperoni for Fidelity!

     I watch the sitcom "Two and Half Men," a fact of which I am growing less and less proud of these days, but there is a recurring role of "Gordon," the pizza delivery guy.  He's 40 years old, and it is usually a part of the joke that he's still delivering pizza at his age, not exactly have scaled the career mountain, if you know what I mean.  Now there is a Fidelity Investment commercial (the people with the green line their client follows) that stars none other than J.D. Walsh, or as he's more famously known, Gordon, The Pizza Delivery Guy.  It just seems like there is some humor in there somewhere.  Perhaps casting should have done a little more homework, or perhaps Fidelity aims to help all comers, but I have a feeling that if I delivered a pizza to the local Fidelity office, then sat down and pulled out a wad of ones and said "I've had a pretty good day with tips, what say we get one of those green lines started for me?" I don't think the advisors are climbing over the counter to get to get to me.  The pizza, maybe.  Me?  Not so much.

More LIke an "Art Stalker" Than an "Art Lover"



     This is a painting by Picasso that just sold for over $40,000,000.00.  Now, c'mon, folks, I know this dude worked some magic with a brush, but how many of you painted something very similar with your "paint by numbers" kit when you weren't nothing but a little, tiny thing?  I'm sure my dad has several of mine still up in the attic and I'll let the lot of them go for 500K right now.  This is a painting of Picasso's girlfriend while she napped in a chair.  Lifelike as it is, I'm figuring she had a major crick in her neck when she woke up.  Forty million dollars!  I mean, if you have to own something of Picasso's, I guess I get it, but surely you could pick up a pair of his old boxers for under a million.

The People Have Spoken

     They were on me over at the paper to shorten up my column, but I was resistant to cave into the Man.  Only when a friend, later confirmed by another friend (yes, I have two now), both told me the same thing, did I reconsider.  Both these gentlemen read my column in their private "library" in order to concentrate and enjoy the reading.  Only when both confided that the length of my column was keeping them in there after business hours, did I feel compelled to act.  I make no promises, and the high school English teacher who once dubbed me "Captain Word Salad" may no longer have grounds for such a label, but I shall henceforth try my darndest to limit the literature, for it benefits no man to occupy the porcelain in a state of inactivity.  Plus, it starts to smell.