At Least He Signaled

     The wife and I are driving down a six-lane divided highway when I notice all the cars up in front of me are slowing and moving to the side.  Of course, my first thought is some type of emergency vehicle is about to drive over the top of me, but upon looking in the rearview mirror, no such scenario approaches.  As I get closer, there in the middle lane, on our side of the road, is a minivan, driving AT us.  While those of us who have been forced to share our side of the road sang a chorus of "WTF?" the van slowed, and eventually stopped.  Had he been a salmon, his efforts to swim upstream would've been commendable, and there was no shortage of bears chewing him a new one.  Alas, he was not a salmon.  Then, as if to tell the world he had paid attention during Driver's Ed, he put on his turn signal, and that made it all better.  And yet another reason is added to the list justifying the three-day waiting period to purchase a gun.

Does This Rice Taste Funny to You?

     Last Sunday, the wife and I went out for breakfast to this real popular place.  It was jam-packed as usual, with parking hard to find.  Right in front is this pick-up truck straddling two parking spaces.  No, it wasn't some classic pick-up truck, it was just a pick-up truck.  On the bumper was a sticker that read "PROUD MEMBER OF THE VIETNAM CHOPPER PILOTS ASSOCIATION," or something to that effect.  If he flew the chopper the way he drives his truck, there's probably more than one rice paddy with a rusty Huey helicopter tainting the water.  No wonder we could't win that war.  (I took a picture with my wife's phone, but in my haste to avoid detection by the impending arrival of the chopper pilot, I failed to save it correctly.  It would've been funnier with the picture, but I had to hurry.  For all I knew, the dude might have showered in Agent Orange one too many times, if you get my drift.  I'll try harder next time.)

All Hands on Board, But Watch Your Step

In this week's column, I mention a bout with food poisoning I had as a kid.  In an effort to help those whose imagination may need a kick-start, the image shown here is basically what I looked like for my three days in porcelain purgatory. 

And Now You Know Why He Was a Bottle-Baby



This week's column is about my final days in the counter-intelligence field.  This picture is the visual support file for my field report.  If you didn't read the column, why the hell not?  Go to Naplesnews.com and search "Life is Heald," read the column, come back here and you will get significantly more out of this picture.



Hats Off! No, Seriously, Take Those Hats Off

In my column this week, I review the royal wedding after watching Katie Couric's special on CBS.  After describing Prince Andrew's two daughters' hats as a cat eating grapes on a slide and an award one might give to the company's top toilet seat salesman, I felt obligated to provide visual evidence.  Was I right?