Christmas Newsletter 2011

Heald Family Christmas Newsletter 2011

(You aren't worth the Christmas stationery and it was on sale)

These mind-numbing reports that never have varied,
To the grave must go, either walking or carried.
It would be less painful if I could just shoot ‘ya,

Than to waterboard you with Heald family minutiae.

Your sanity seeks solace during the hectic holidays,
You, the caffeinated rat in a cheeseless maze,
And yet, here you set, while your arse to the couch it melds,
To hear the scintillating details, of life amongst the Healds.

Boredom put to words and verse, does it get any worse?
Personally, I‘d trade places with the fare in a hearse.
The wife insists, that you are worth the postage,
But I’m warning you, this could be a lethal dosage.

Right out of the box, we’ll get the wife feeling nifty,

And let the world know in March, she’ll be fifty.

My fiftieth is in June, but from Momma’s stare,
I’d say it’s fifty-fifty, that I’ll make it there.      

I tell you this, as if it were scripture,
The wife is still, as pretty as a picture.
If your belief is something I still need to coax,
We have proof from the red-light camera folks.

Twenty-five years of marriage, really makes you wonder,
How we got twenty-four and half, past the over-under.
Renewed the vows in Vegas, at the Little White Chapel,
From the ring, I’m still carrying around some shrapnel.

Tyler’s off to college, to study physics and such,
Which explains why he and I, don’t really talk much.
He’s made us proud, but we wish he wouldn’t go,
Since we saw that application, to the College of Nintendo.

If you saw Tyler's grades, you’d know he was smart,
And he’s got a great job, but here’s the best part.
For the car, the insurance, and all of the gas…
We haven’t seen one thin dime out of his ass.

Keegan has continued his cooking endeavors,
And we have continued to eat out whenever.
Truthfully, some of his food is worthy of first place,
If we’re correctly interpreting that look on the dog’s face.

Of his new girlfriend, I am careful, though the lass is neat,
(He’s got me by two inches, I don’t want to get my ass beat.)
Puppy love it is, and our dog did holler,  

Upon spotting Keegan wearing his leash and collar.

Riley’s world is his own, a fifty-first state,

Into which normal was not allowed to immigrate.
Riley’s lives there, in a house on an island,

Which conveniently doubles as an insane asylum.

He is as likely to make you laugh as he is to make you cry,

Or, for that matter, to punch him in the eye.

Of those times when he leaves me utterly infuriated,

I’m left to smile at being so genetically related.
 

I promise the book in 2012, strike me down if I am lyin’,

Though you should know, I’m counting on the Mayans.

Readership of “Life is Heald” is growing and then some,

At golf next year, we hope to have a foursome.

Sometimes, I ponder the life that I’ve led,

Wondering if some dreams may have seeped from my head.

Then I look around at my boys and my wife,

And realize Clarence was right…it’s a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

From the Healds

Kevin, Laura, Tyler, Keegan, Riley and **Chowder (our Beagle)

**needs new collar