How Much For the Floor Model?

     I bought a new gas grill the other day.  They wanted $40 to assemble it.  I asked the salesman how long it took to assemble it and he said "about an hour."  Hmmmm, I thought, $40 an hour, I think I'll take that job.  By the time I finished, I had earned $1.72 an hour for the whole job.  I thought about filing a complaint against myself since I hadn't  paid myself minimium wage, but I got sidetracked by a trip to the emergency room which was necessary when, while assembling the grill, I mixed up my own Bloody Mary that was three parts A-positive and one part Phillips-head screwdriver.  It was like "Tool Time" meets "Psycho."  That night, I couldn't decide whether to cook hamburgers or just turn the gas on high and close the lid on my head.

Twin Brothers, Different Mothers

         I never forget a face.  Sometimes I might forget where I know it from, but I always remember a face.  This, in turn, makes for some confusing moments when I'm just sure I know somebody from some place, but then I just can't place it.  I might not be the first to have this problem with the two people shown here, but I remember when I first had that "I know you" feeling while watching the Democratic National Convention.  Seeing as how one has no real purpose other than to serve as a prop for his boss and get a few laughs and the other is a puppet for ventriloquist Jeff Dunham, you might not make the family connection right away.  That's why I'm here to help. 



Joe Biden
Vice-President of the United States

"Walter"
Should be President of the United States



Clean Up, Aisle Three, Zombie Juice

     Why do old women bring their old husbands to the grocery store?  They might as well drag a three-foot log behind their shopping cart that says "PLEASE DON'T TRIP OVER ME."  The old dudes are like floating traffic islands in the middle of the aisle.  Imagine, if in the movie "Night of the Living Dead," the zombies won and there were no more humans left for them to eat.  Eventually, the zombies would wind up at the grocery store.  Guess what?  The zombies won.  I saw one geriatric gentleman standing there squeezing his fruit, which wouldn't have been that bad except he was nowhere near the produce section...or fruit.

Congrats, and Pass the Parmesan

     The 15th annual "Fat and Beautiful" beauty pageant recently concluded in Israel.  The minimum weight requirement is 80kg or 176 pounds.  The winner received a one-year modelling contract, cosmetic products, and a trip abroad.  Things turned ugly when last year's winner crowned the new queen, but not before taking a sizable bite out of the coveted stuffed crust tiara.

OK, Now Your Life Sucks

     I read in the paper today where a homeless woman was arrested for stabbing her homeless husband.  This goes right to the top of my "When Things Are Going Bad, I Just Think of..." file.  I mean seriously, it was damn near freezing the other night, you're homeless and that's not quite bad enough for you, so you up and stab somebody, the hubby no less.  I'm sure they had a fire going, if ever somebody needed to crank up the music and belt out a few lines of "Kumbaya," it was these folks.  You have to give them credit, through all this, they remain married, proving some things are still sacred.  Apparently not the gall bladder she tried to carve out of his side, but then most people don't put anything in their wedding vows specifically prohibiting organ removal with a rusty blade and a fifth of vodka, even by the one you love the most.

What Happens When Woodpeckers Can't Sleep?

     This is the problem with the crystal meth labs being out in the woods.  The wildlife was there first and they're going to want to know what's going on.  Pretty soon, they get to nosing around and getting into things they shouldn't and before you know it, we have woodpeckers gone wild.  I offer this photographic exhibit as evidence of which I speak.  The woodpeckers in this part of the country were perfectly content to be "one-holers" as the locals call them, and then drugs came to town.  Now, they have woodpecker condominiums going up everywhere, no doubt financed by drug money, and the speculators are all over the place.                                    

(I took this picture hiking through

Stepen Foster State Park in White

Springs, Florida (12/30/10) on our

annual holiday camping trip, just

in case anybody thought I made

that up in "Life is Heald/Trading

Sony and Nintendo for Lewis

and Clark".  (1/5/11)) 

Who Said it was Broken?

     There are unconfirmed reports coming in from across the country of people dying while in the drink aisle at their local grocery store.  Reports are sketchy at this point, but all the victims seemed to have died from dehydration while trying to figure out which of the formulas of Gatorade they should buy and when they should drink it.  The "X-Factor" in all the deaths is reported to be Fruit Punch + Berry.

At Least They're Warm

     On a cold night, I always find myself rotating in the same two-foot wide rut in my bed in order to make use of the body heat I have worked so hard to capture in that spot.  Unwise wandering from the anatomically-heated rut inevitably comes with a cold wake-up call from those parts of the sheets left to fend for themselves.  This always reminds me of the hot dogs in the convenience stores that spend their lives rotating in similar warmth on the cooking carousel of death.  But hey, at least they're warm.