I write for my own enjoyment and if I occasionally make others laugh, that is a great bonus. But then there are people like "Phil," who wrote me at LIFEisHEALD@yahoo.com with the complaint you'll see below. Everyone serves a purpose in life, whether they know it or not. When you think you are having a bad day, and you're feeling down, I want you to think of Phil. Then, when you realize you are not Phil, you will feel better. It's impossible not to. I waited quite a while to write Phil back because I sometimes get a bit caustic if I write back too quickly. I've instituted a 24 hour rule to those I find inciting. I was so fond of my response, I thought I'd share it with you. I may even put it it a column, but my psychologist keeps telling me I have to ignore these people. Then I go and think of something funny to say, and I just feel awful if I don't share. What can I say? I'm a giver.
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Phil's e-mail to me...
Sir: I read your recent contribution about your son's ineptitude as a golfer and other things. In it I was shocked--shocked!--to read your use of a pronoun in the nominative case as the object of a verb ("The two quail followed . . . I"). Of much lesser consequence, you might have used the proper name for the bird, which is Bobwhite or Common Bobwhite."Quail" is large family of birds of which Peterson says there are 165 members worldwide, of which the Bobwhite is the only one in Florida. So you're not wrong, but not specific. It's as if you wrote, "My grandmother drove her General Motors SUV to the liquor store." Better would be, "My grandmother drove her Cadillac Escalade to the liquor store." Worse would be "My grandmother drove I to the liquor store."
No charge.
Phil
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Now, you have to know that, in the heading, Phil's full name was listed, which I'm not sharing, except to say that his full first name was "Phillips," with a "s" on the end. This is relative to my reply, which was....
Phil,
Philly, Philly, Philly, where do we begin? I'd like to suggest you get a life, but based on the content of your e-mail, I don't think you've ever had one, so I doubt you'd know where to look.
First of all, you must have quite a cardio workout schedule, because if you were shocked, to the point that you felt "shocked" needed italics, and I'm assuming you were yelling at me with that little exclamation point you tucked on the end there, then that little ticker of yours must get worked up at the drop of a hat. Let me give you a little insight. First of all, I had the paper put "humor" by my byline just for folks like you who are wound way too tight. Second, the column was not written for some bird-watching cult nor was it a grammar test for people such as yourself. As such, I went with the term that the greatest number of people would be familiar with, that being "quail." It is not capitalized, I knew full well there are different types of quail, again, so not the point. Everyone I know always hated grammar studies, perhaps you're the exception, though I'd hardly take that as a compliment. The column suffers not one bit the way I used the word "quail." You seem to be the only one suffering such afflictions. Judging by what you wrote and how you interpreted the column, I doubt you got very much out of the column, other than heart palpitations, and I would recommend that you not read any further efforts by myself. I don't want the blood of your open heart surgery on my hands. I was curious, though, with the multiple references to the liquor store, if perhaps you had been drinking when you wrote me.
I close with a concern of my own. I see your full first name is "Phillips." Are you sure someone didn't make a mistake there? I mean after all, you're just one "Phillip," and with the "s" on the end, it seems as if someone wrongly used the plural form of the singular "Phillip" on your birth certificate. Wait for it....wait....I'm shocked. Might explain your issues with grammar, though. Oh, look at that, we're even. No charge.
Kevin (just one)
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