The wife and I are driving down a six-lane divided highway when I notice all the cars up in front of me are slowing and moving to the side. Of course, my first thought is some type of emergency vehicle is about to drive over the top of me, but upon looking in the rearview mirror, no such scenario approaches. As I get closer, there in the middle lane, on our side of the road, is a minivan, driving AT us. While those of us who have been forced to share our side of the road sang a chorus of "WTF?" the van slowed, and eventually stopped. Had he been a salmon, his efforts to swim upstream would've been commendable, and there was no shortage of bears chewing him a new one. Alas, he was not a salmon. Then, as if to tell the world he had paid attention during Driver's Ed, he put on his turn signal, and that made it all better. And yet another reason is added to the list justifying the three-day waiting period to purchase a gun.
About Me
- Life is Heald
- Naples, Florida
- I like to laugh. If you don't, please hit whatever button escorts you from the premises immediately. I write a humor column for the Naples Daily News called, get this, "Life is Heald." It's about life as we all see it, just from a pair of rose-colored glasses that need cleaning. I tell stories, I rant about things that drive us all to the point of filling out a gun permit, I make fun of you and I make fun of me. If I can't use it in the column for whatever reason, it ends up here. Sometimes, you'll need to read the column to know what I'm writing about, but often the posts are just random, drive-by thoughts that entered my brain and exited my fingers. Just a flesh wound, so don't go dialing 911 about anything you read here. This is not one of those blogs that will tell you how many prunes it took to jump start my last bowel movement or what grade the kid got on his math test. The good stuff, I save for the Christmas newsletter.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Does This Rice Taste Funny to You?
Last Sunday, the wife and I went out for breakfast to this real popular place. It was jam-packed as usual, with parking hard to find. Right in front is this pick-up truck straddling two parking spaces. No, it wasn't some classic pick-up truck, it was just a pick-up truck. On the bumper was a sticker that read "PROUD MEMBER OF THE VIETNAM CHOPPER PILOTS ASSOCIATION," or something to that effect. If he flew the chopper the way he drives his truck, there's probably more than one rice paddy with a rusty Huey helicopter tainting the water. No wonder we could't win that war. (I took a picture with my wife's phone, but in my haste to avoid detection by the impending arrival of the chopper pilot, I failed to save it correctly. It would've been funnier with the picture, but I had to hurry. For all I knew, the dude might have showered in Agent Orange one too many times, if you get my drift. I'll try harder next time.)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
All Hands on Board, But Watch Your Step
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
And Now You Know Why He Was a Bottle-Baby
This week's column is about my final days in the counter-intelligence field. This picture is the visual support file for my field report. If you didn't read the column, why the hell not? Go to Naplesnews.com and search "Life is Heald," read the column, come back here and you will get significantly more out of this picture.
|
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Hats Off! No, Seriously, Take Those Hats Off
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)