OK, we're smart folks, we can figure this out.  We'll put a frozen turkey in a cooler full of ice, drive for two days, the ice slowly melts, the turkey thaws, preheat oven, all set to go.  What?  A winter storm came through last night?  It's 32 degrees outside?  Isn't that freezing? The turkey says yes, that is indeed freezing, which is why he's now the sole ice cube needed for the world's largest turkey martini.  (I also have a picture of the turkey taking a hot shower, but I thought that could be considered poultry porn and after seeing what those birds did in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, I decided it wasn't worth the risk.)

I don't want to say I'm an underachiever, but I'm starting to get a feeling of accomplishment when the dog poops twice when I walk her around the block.

It Must Take More Muscles to Smile Than it Used to

OK, as a rule, I try and leave police beat alone, it's just too easy.  However, it is a reliable source to go to when I haven't posted something for our amusement in a while.  I'm not sure where to start here.  My first thought is the photo was distorted, but it seems to be clear.  Then I read what he was charged with, and I still have Mountain Dew dripping out of my nose.  He was trying to hook up with some poor child via the internet, but it was a sting operation.  First of all, what, not who, would have sexual relations with this gent?  I mean, really, if anything says lock up the sheep, it's this fella's mug shot. It wouldn't matter what day it was, if I opened my front door to this guy, I'm betting the house the first thing out of his mouth is "trick or treat!"  If the "Leaning Tower of Pisa" was a Halloween mask, this guy is wearing it, am I right?  And finally, this guy can work a computer?  Really? 

Did You Hear the Bullet Go By?

There's a story going around right now about some guy that dumped his dentist girlfriend, but made an appointment with her the next week when he had a toothache.  She gassed him up and knocked him out, then removed all of his teeth.  Yep, ALL of his teeth.  He's a dumbass, she's crazy.  Can I get a "Hallelujah!" that these two didn't procreate?  If they had hooked up, we all take the bullet, because when stupid knocks up psycho, Damien and Chucky come bearing gifts.  I would've let the guy tell you this story himself, but he's still kind of hard to understand.  And, as for her, she used her one phone call on somebody else.

Picky, Picky

To the guy behind me at the traffic light yesterday who was attempting to climb inside of himself by entering through his nose...TINTED WINDOWS ARE NOT JUST FOR REDUCING THE SUN'S HARMFUL EFFECTS, THEY CAN ALSO PREVENT OTHERS FROM RETCHING INTO THEIR LAPS WHEN THEY CATCH SIGHT OF YOU TRYING TO SCRATCH YOUR BRAIN THROUGH THE FRONT OF YOUR FACE!  Not only do I need a new rear view miror after I ripped mine from the windshield, but my car smells like Captain Crunch, which wouldn't be horrible except the milk went bad.  On the plus side, if there's video available of you doing this, it should be shown to all beginning drivers who would, I feel certain, never take their eyes off the road again.

So that's what "waste not, want not" means?

     At the grocery store I patronize, they have a big box set up just as you leave for a local food bank.  I think food banks are wonderful and encourage one and all to donate, but I have this strange feeling they're not getting all the food they could be getting.

     The sign on the food box at my grocery store says something to the effect of "Donate all your unwanted food here for the local food bank."  So, I stopped, looked down in my cart, and damn if I hadn't purchased only things I wanted.  Surely, there had to be something in there I didn't want, but I couldn't find it.  I looked at my list, maybe one of the kids had written something down they didn't really want.  Nope, no luck.  There was some food in the box, which only made me feel worse for not buying stuff I didn't want.  On top of all this, I really thought I had this shopping thing down, seeing as how I'm here every day, but clearly, I have so much more to learn.  I went straight home and looked at our grocery list.  Nothing but stuff we wanted.  We are one selfish household.  We had a family meeting that night to address this unwanted food thing.  Nobody seemed to understand what I was talking about and I was of little help because I had no idea either.  I'll have to do some research.  There must be a trick to buying unwanted food when you go to the store.  Maybe the food bank people can help.  Wish me luck.

Starting My Day With Your Cup of Coffee

      I saw where a friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day the explicit and infinitesimal details of his morning bowel movement. It was graphic, so much so that the Motion Picture Association would never have allowed it anywhere near a theater screen.  He has a gift. If the written word is capable of making making an experience 4-D to the reader, this would be your guy.

       Repulsive? Yeah, I'd say so. Did I really need to know his bout with constipation ended with him birthing a grain silo? Not now, not ever. But tell me this.

       Was it more interesting than knowing you and your morning coffee were there to greet another day? Without a doubt. Would I rather have him tell me that he feared the Green movement would be protesting at his house, such was the raping of the rain forest in order for his paperwork to be complete, or have you reassure me, yet again, that you still hate Mondays?

       In closing, I admit I'm still fond, at nearly fifty years old, of having my teenage boys tell me "goodnight" before they turn in for the evening. You? Not so much.

      Oh, I almost forgot. It's hump day.

Really?

I'm on the Internet the other day, scanning the headlines on AOL or Yahoo, when I see something to the effect of "You won't believe what Paula Deen was eating!"  Sometimes it's so hard to be a proud American.  Is this where we're at right now?  From the day my momma's egg was fertilized until the day they close the casket, I will never give a damn about what somebody was eating.  Yes, there are exceptions (see "Dahmer, Jeffrey) but this ain't one of 'em.  If Paula Deen wants to off herself one stick of butter at a time, it's her right...and her business.  The world will not implode if we allow a "slow news day" to be a "no news day."  For God's sake, let the woman eat her hamburger in peace, or the next time you bite into something hard, it might be a web cam.

Fat? I Say We Are Not Fat Enough!

I just read today that "Hostess," the company that makes "Twinkies," is near bankruptcy.  Fighting off immediate and crushing depression, I promptly blew through a box and a half of comfort food, which just so happened to be "Twinkies."  All I ever read about is how fat America has become, but clearly, we are not fat enough if "Twinkies" are in danger.  You'd think they have some type of protection in the constitution, but I can't find anything.  The foundation of the country is at stake here, folks. What good is the right to bear arms if you can't wolf down a couple of Twinkies during a break in the action?  And you can forget the pursuit of happiness.  If there ain't no "Twinkies," there ain't no use pursuing happiness 'cause you ain't gonna find it. Get off the treadmill, people, and pursue your skinny asses on down to 7-11 before it's too late!

Firm or Soft?



I don't want anyone to think I'm picking on our good friends in North Korea, but, uh, why the pillow?  The old boy's got a lot more issues than a crick in his neck at this point, and let's face it, he ain't gonna be complaining about it.